I'm so deep x'D

Does it make sence, I don't know..but all of sudden I wanted to write a lot of deep shit. I don't know. I'm not even good at writing english.. I hope I got it right.. Like, almost x'D

Everything is black. You can feel the pain deep within your chest. Your bones, your heart, even your skin is on fire. Aching. Longing to be free. Some people choose to believe that pain is just an illusion, but if pain's an illusion, why isn't everything else in this world. Universe. Is it really there at all? I believe that pain comes naturally for all the people who desires, who wants to live, to own, to become something. They suffer in darkness, but the curiosity of what true happiness is will always be buried deep in their heart, because they don't dare to dig it up. They're so afraid of the utter world, so afraid that the pain will explode and be even bigger than last time. Most people would be. It's a very common depression actually. When everything is black why don't you choose to turn the light on? The light that once was there. It's not impossible. The light may be difficult to reach, but it's not if you at least try. Why does people choose to give up, wait for the darkness to swallow them, suck their soul out of them? People were given a free will from the start. All the way since birth. I'm sure everyone has done something in their childhood that they weren't suppose to do, but did it anyway. Why? They knew, you knew you weren't supposed to. Why is it the one thing you can't have, you desires the most? Oh, I can give you many answers to that, but I won't. I'll give you another choice. There's two ways in being selfish; One, you'll stay in the dark, keep walking in the shadows forever and be wondering how your life would be if you'd ever turned on the light. At least you won't get hurt ever again. Won't fail, won't loose anyone dear to you, because you were to afraid to let anybody in. You'll be like a zombie with a fake illusion of happiness, or you can choose option number two; you do turn on the light, taking the chance to live, to be free and happy - Not looking back! There are no down sites of trying. If your heart's already gone, you can't loose it twice. If you're already dead, you can't die again. So why are you so afraid of living?

Language trip to Japan.

it's almost settled that I'm going to Japan next year. I just need to get a job, and then I can order a trip with the STS language trip(something). It's pretty expensive, so I need to collect as much money as I can get. I'll be gone for 3 weeks next summer. 3 weeks of my dream. I can't wait to get lot's of jobs and money!

Wrong is right.

Right now I'm about to give up. Give up everything. Nothing seems to work for me, and I'd actually wish that I was brought to the mashouse instead of beeing here with my evil mom and dad. Specially mom. She's so unfair that I always want to hurt her in some way. When she refuses me the things I whish for the most, when she thinks she protects me, Iæm actually getting really hurt, and I do things I shouldn't to myselv, and I think thoughts, making plans on how to escape. Whats the point of living when you can't do what you love? What's the point of living when you can't be the person you want to be? What IS really the point of doing anything at all? I don't understand human beeings at all. All they live for are others.. but why can't we live alone? Is that the reason why I don't care for my life.. because I'm lonly? Or because I'm beeing apathetic.. That I simpely doesn't care for anyone else then myself.. The world is so unfair. I shouldn't depend on other people..I have to make up for my own living, but it's inmpossible. I need my evil mom and my stupid obsessed by the devil stepdad to live.. I can't live at the street because I don't have any talent at all.. Maybe I could draw and sell, but I doubt people would buy it. IF i left, my mom and my dad wouldn't have accepted it either.. They would come looking for me I think, like a prisoner. But hey, at least I have someone that looks after me.. I guess people wpuld think that way, I'm not sure why I don't. I just think they take away my freedom. it's better to die for something you believe in, than live as a prisoner..

At least I could die as a free woman..
My head is all over the place, I don't know what I'm saying..
I'm perfectly normal they say, there's nothing wrong with me. This is just the way 15 years old are. Even though I'm 16 now.. I don't feel that I have the aouthority to say anything. My parents say that I'm only 16, but I don't even think I will laugh at this when I read it later, because I don't feel like 16, I feel like a 1000 year
s old stone. Grey and it hurts to touch it. It's not soft and round..

I'm afraid of my mom more than anyone else in the world.
Watashi wa kowaii desu.
Afraid to live. To live right, but at my point of wiew wrong is right